The Hardest to Forgive

This last weekend at our men's retreat, I sat and listened to another man tell me an all too familiar story.  So familiar, that it could have been me telling the story.  It was a story of forgiveness, and sometimes, our inability to do so.  There were two points that I took away from this conversation that I wanted to share with you all, because I'm willing to bet many of you have had the same struggles as well.  

This gentleman told me his story of growing up with some of the same father wounds that many of us struggle with.  The feeling of non-acceptance from his father.  Seeing the characteristics that he didn't like in his father in himself at times.  Those feelings turning to anger that caused hurt in his own wife and children.  When asked if he had forgiven his father, he stated that he sincerely had about 9 months ago.  When I asked if he had forgiven himself, it was easy to see the answer was no.  Even before he answered.  So, I shared my story with him. Because, like I said, our stories were very similar.  

My father left when I was about 10 years old.  We grew further apart through high school.  After graduation, it was 18 years before I would be have any contact with my father.  I had those same feelings of non-acceptance and anger that impacted my family that he spoke of.  

That's when God met me on a mountaintop.  While backpacking with a group of men over a weekend, we were challenged to spread out, and ask a simple question, "God, do You love me?"  I did.  Nothing.  I did a second time,  Nothing.  The third time, my head filled with all the reasons I didn't deserve to be loved.  I was a horrible husband, father, and friend.  I was a fake at church.  I stopped and said it out loud one more time.  This time, I heard God say as plane as day, yet inaudible, "You know I love you.  When will you love yourself?"  I was crippled.  You see the truth was that I also had forgiven my dad.  I really had.  But, I had never forgiven myself.  

What in the world did I need to forgive myself for, right?  He left me.  He never told me he was proud of me or that he loved me.  Why did I need to be forgiven?  What I realized in that moment was that I needed to forgive myself of all the anger and bitterness I was holding in my heart towards my dad.  Until I let that go, I would never move forward with the healing process, and it is truly a process that I'm still working through today.  I learned in that moment that the hardest person to forgive, at least for me, was me.  I had to forgive myself of all the times I had directed my hurt and anger toward my family, or even myself.

As I shared my story with this other gentleman, he realized that is where he was.  He needed to forgive himself.  Before we prayed together, I asked him to say out loud, "I forgive myself.  I love myself", twice. I believe this, like it was for me, will be the beginning of healing for this gentleman, and I'm grateful that myself and another gentleman had the opportunity to speak truth into his life.

My first point is this.  The hardest person to forgive is often ourselves.  We have to realize that our sins are not too big for the cross.  Christ overcame them all when he hung on that cross.  We must simply ask, believe, and receive.  

As we continued to talk, he spoke about how he wanted to live closer to his daughter, so he could see her more.  He also talked about how he needed to get out of his current career situation.  When asked about both moving closer to her and changing careers, he simply said, "I can't".  Neither of those are an option for him at this time.  He began to cry, as he thought about his inability to do either, so I stopped him and asked another question. I asked, "Instead of dwelling on what you can't do, what can you do?"  You see, what he wasn't focusing on was the fact that he could call his daughter, he could write her, he could encourage her, love her, and tell her he is proud of her and loves her.  He can't change careers now, but he could make financial decisions to help move him in a direction to make that a possibility in the future, he could thank God daily for the work he has, and spend the time alone his job affords him to grow closer in his walk with God.  

My second point is that we often get so hung up on our CAN'T, that we often overlook our CANs.  Next time you are stuck in frustration for something you can't do, ask yourself this question, "Instead of dwelling on what I can't do, what CAN I do right now?"  You will likely surprise yourself with all that you are able to do and are overlooking.

My third and final point...I know I said there were two, so this is a bonus point...is that we are never alone in our battles.  Not only is God with us through it all, but He made us for community.  Too many times have I seen men sitting around our retreat and realize for the first time that someone else is going through or has already overcome the very battle they are in.  You must engage in community to allow others to fight with you and for you.  

So, go forgive yourself, focus on your CANs, and build a community of honest, genuine people to fight with you when you need it.  

I know.  This isn't a clear picture, but what it meant to me was perfectly clear.  This picture was taken at 1:00 this morning from my bed.  Let me explain.

We are currently in the middle of a declared pandemic.  No matter what your view is on how things have been handled or how people are responding, we can all agree that our nation, as well as many others, are struggling.  I have had a few conversations with those who's businesses are struggling, or they are simply out of work. 

Last night, I was laying in bed, and I couldn't help but think about all the small businesses that are being impacted, as well as other ministries and churches that are trying to answer questions that are arising during these times.  My heart was heavy with a desire to help and lack of knowledge of where to even begin.  As I laid there, my wife pointed out that my 5 year old's music was still playing in his room, and it needed to be turned off, so it wouldn't wake him during the night. 

As I left his room, I felt strong urge to stop and pray.  As I worked my way back to my room, I stood outside of each of my boys' rooms and prayed for each one.  I prayed for safety, courage, and that God would work in each of their lives.  I then sat in the living room and prayed for my wife and I as we lead our family during these times.  I prayed that God would show me His beauty, even during these tough times. 

This brings us back to the picture.  As I crawled into bed, I looked over at our window, and there was a spider working on a new web.  I laid there and watched this amazing process take place before my eyes, and I was reminded that the God who created the heavens and earth is still doing His work.  This was the beauty I prayed for.  I know, it could easily be dismissed as a coincidence, or me looking for something to see beauty in, and that may be right.  I do believe, however, that when we seek Him, we will find Him. 

As I watched the spider, my mind was taken off of the worries I had and was refocused on the amazement of God, but I still had this desire to help, and I still didn't know where to begin.  Then a thought came to me.  Start in the same way I just started with my family.  In prayer.  I opened up my Facebook account, opened my friends list and started through the list.  As I came across a name of someone who's small business was being impacted or someone who is directly involved in ministry at this time, I stopped and prayed for them by name.  For several of them, I sent them a short message, just to let them know that I was praying for them.  The more I prayed, the better I felt.  By the end of my friends' list, I felt at complete peace. 

Now what?  I don't have the financial means to help everyone impacted by current events, but I do have the ability to do my part in helping.  Today, my son and I are going to mow the yard a single mom, who is going to nursing school, so she doesn't have to pay for lawn care.  There is a small local business asking for small donations to help keep them afloat, so I plan to do my part there as well.  These are small things, but if we all did small things, big things will happen. 

So, maybe like me, you don't know where to start.  I want to tell you to start with prayer.  Pray for others, pray for your family, and pray for your own strength.  Next, if you are able to help a small business financially, pray about that.  If you aren't in a position financially to help, are there neighbors that simply need some love right now? 



More Than a Walk on Water

Like many of you, I've heard the story of Jesus walking on the water, and also like many of you, I've heard several different lessons pulled from this story.  Last night, something new stuck out to me as our pastor spoke on this old, familiar story and even made a reference to the Book of Job.  It is amazing to me how you can read God's word repeatedly and always see something new.  Before I begin, take time to read Mark 5:45-52:
45 immediately he made his disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd.  46  And after he had taken leave of them, he went up on the mountain to pray. 47  And when evening came, the boat was out on the sea, and he was alone on the land.  48  And he saw that they were making headway painfully, for the wind was against them.  And about the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea.  He meant to pass by them, 49 but when they saw him walking on the sea they thought it was a ghost, and cried out, 50 for they all saw him and were terrified.  But immediately, he spoke to them and said, "Take heart, it is I.  Do not be afraid."  51  And he got into the boat with them, and the wind ceased.  And they were utterly astounded, 52  for they did not understand about the loaves, but their hearts were hardened. (ESV)

Last night's message had many great points, and I wish I had time to reiterate them all to you here.  You can check out the Calvary Chapel Chattanooga message dated for this weekend if you want to hear these points yourself (www.calvarychatt.com).  It'll be worth your time.
For the first time, I noticed the phrase at the end of verse 48 that I had never really noticed before.  It says, "...He meant to pass by them."  What?  I always thought He was coming to them to rescue them.  Why would it say that He wanted to pass by them?  As our pastor continued with his message, he made a reference to Job 9:8, which reads, "who alone stretched out the heavens and trampled the waves of the sea."  Job 9 is giving a description of God and His character, so there was a direct connection between this verse of a God who tramples the waves and Jesus having the power to calm the storm.  While there, I read a little further down into Job 9, and I saw another verse that quickly caught my attention.
Verse 11 goes on to say, "Behold He passes by me, and I see Him not;  He moves on but I do not perceive Him."  Job 9:8 makes a reference to God's control over the sea (in alignment with Mark 5), and now verse 11 makes a reference to Him passing by, just as Mark 5:48 stated that Jesus had meant to pass them by.
As I thought about those verses and how they applied to my walk with Christ, this is what I began to realize.  Christ was crossing through the storm with them, but He was not necessarily there to save them.  It was not until they saw Him on the water and cried out that He calmed the storm and saved them.  Too many times, we will struggle through our own storms, not realizing that Christ is crossing through the storm with us.  It is in those moments that we can either focus on our storm and allow Him to "pass by", or we can recognize Him walking through the storm and let Him bring calm.  This doesn't necessarily mean that He is just going to walk on and let you drown if you don't call on Him, and it doesn't mean that He is going to teleport you to the other end of your storm if you do.  What He does offer is something that can be much greater than simple delivery from the storm.  He offers peace and calm during the storm.  It was when He joined them that the wind ceased.
I don't know what your storm is, but I want to encourage you to look for Christ in the storm and don't miss an opportunity to call out to Him, so that He will not pass you by.

Climbing Everest: A Journey of Believing, Confessing, and Repenting

There are so many who will say that they are Christ followers simply because they believe in Christ or raised their hand to repeat a prayer in church one Sunday morning.  Don't misunderstand me, those are great first steps, but that's exactly what they are...first steps.  It's like standing at the foot of Everest and claiming you've climbed it.  Even at that, I believe there is confusion on what that first step entails.  In Mark 1:15, Christ states, "The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand.  REPENT, and BELIEVE in the gospel."  I want to take a look at these two words, repent and believe, as well as the word confession.  The definition of believe in our language is to "accept as true".  Many have made that first step based on their understanding of the word, but we need to look deeper.  The Greek word for believe is pisteuo, which means to fully place your trust in.  When Christ called us to "believe" in Him, he was not asking you to acknowledge His existence but to place your entire life in His hands with complete trust. Let's look back at the analogy of Everest.  If you were standing at the base of Everest with your guide to the top, there is a big difference in believing in their existence and believing in their ability to guide you to top.  The latter takes significantly more trust.
You never hear of individuals climbing Everest, you hear of teams.  When you take that step to trust in your guide, you become part of a team of believers.

Being part of a team requires trust in each other, as well as the guide.  This is where confession comes into play.  The Greek word for confess is homologeo, which means to acknowledge.  You are publicly acknowledging your sins / struggles.  It is important to confess to God for His forgiveness (1 John 1:9), but we are called to confess our sins to one another as well.  This is where I see tremendous value in small groups.  This is where you will establish a community of believers that you trust enough to be open and honest with your struggles.  James 5:16 says to "confess to one another and pray for one another.  For the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."  The purpose of confessing in a community is for prayer to support and help carry you through.  When you confess, others in your community can now recognize your struggles and provide assistance.

Now that you have a guide to trust (believe) and team that supports you (confession), it's time to evaluate your life.  Admitting you have a struggle or have made mistakes isn't enough.  Admitting you have a hard time remembering to bring the right gear to your team before heading up Everest is good for them to know, so they can help you, by making changes in your life's routine to ensure you don't show up without the oxygen tanks you were required to bring is essential.  This is a picture of repentence.  For years, I didn't fully understand this word (and I'm still learning).  I saw repentence and confession as equals.  Repent was simply another word for stating my struggles.  Then I learned the Greek word for repent:  metanoeo - to change your mind, change the inner man.  I see repentence defined in Romans 12:2, which states, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."   Sounds simple enough right?  Just change how you think.  If you're like me, that's no simple task.  I have years of struggles, anger, and bad habits I have to work past.

Again, like climbing Everest, this is no simple task, but we know there is an incredible reward waiting at the top.  So, how do we do this?  I believe the answer is found is Deuteronomy 6:6-9. It states, "These commands that I give you today are to be on your hearts.  Impress them on your children.  Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates."  In other words, make following Christ part of everything you do.  Start and end your day in prayer, place "symbols" or reminders around you that will stand as reminders of who you are called to be, surround yourself with believers that allow you to hold conversations about your journey, and make your home a place honoring to God.

The last thing I want to say is to allow yourself grace to struggle.  If you read of teams that climb Everest, their journeys include trips part way up, then back down.  Many times they need to repeat this process over and over again to acclimate to the altitude.  Our walk is not much different.  Our journey is not a straight line to the top.  It's a journey of ups and downs, but it is a journey where we are called to continue moving in the upward direction.  Like the successful climbers of Everest, we may have times we have to move back down the mountain, but we must never lose sight of the reward waiting at the top.

Intentional Words

I'm reading through a book called "Victory Over The Darkness" by Neil Anderson.  It is a great book on your identity in Christ, but I want to focus on one point that was made in my reading today.  "Studies have shown that, in the average home, for every positive statement, a child receives 10 negative statements.  The school environment is only slightly better; students hear seven negative statements from their teachers for every one positive statement...These studies go on to point out that it takes four positive statements to negate the effect of one negative statement."  

If you are like me, when you first read that, you thought to yourself, there's no way that is true in my home.  But, if you are like me and are honest with yourself, you will realize it is probably very true.  Here is what I have realized through my own reflection on this statement.  If my kids are behaving well, I don't necessarily think to tell them how much I appreciate their good behavior.   I just enjoy the moment.  However, if my kids interrupt me or act in a way that inconveniences me, I'm quick to point out their bad behavior.  

Just the other night, I sat down with my 11 year old and 13 year old to tell them how proud I was of them.  They were both grinning ear to ear as I told them.  Although this was a great moment, the fact that it meant so much to them also shows that I need to do it more often.  This doesn't just apply to our kids, but to our spouse, co-workers, church members, or even complete strangers.  People want to be encouraged and know it is recognized at all ages.  

Here's my challenge for myself, and I hope you will join me.  Be intentional with your words.  Maybe the place to start is bedtime.  When you put your kids to bed, tell them one thing you are really proud of them for that day.  Be watchful through out the day for opportunities that you may overlook because your kids are simply playing quietly and let them know they are making you proud.  I believe that you will not only see their confidence rise, but you will see them develop the habit of encouraging that they see you modeling.  

What's your story?

One of the greatest blessings of my job is being located in downtown Chattanooga, a city of great coffee shops.  This has given me the opportunity to sit with so many guys and ask a simple question.  "What is your story?"  Too often as guys, we meet and ask "What do you do for a living?", "Are married/kids?", or "Which church do you go to?"   I'm not saying these aren't valid questions, but I love to see the look on guys faces when asked what their story is.  So many times, I've gotten the "Man, I never really thought of that" look.  Then we begin to take a journey through their life.  Some will jump back to childhood and some will jump into who they are today.  I've learned that guys want to tell their wins and their losses.  We, as men, may put up a tough front, but we really want to be heard.  We want to know that someone else understands where we're coming from.
I have sat with men who are broken and men who run successful men's ministries.  The amazing thing is, that many times, the struggles are the same for both.  I've sat with men that I thought were untouchable with their walk with God and heard stories of incredible heart break and breakthrough.  I've sat with homeless men and heard incredible stories of faith.

I love to follow up with the question, "If money wasn't an issue, what would you do with your life?"  Once you know their story, this unlocks their passions.  So many times, I've heard "I've always wanted to..."  Maybe that conversation will re-ignite a passion to chase that dream again or maybe not, but I love to see guys talk about their passions.
Here's my part of the conversation.  I'm an open book.  I talk about my own struggles and failures, as well as my own successes as they relate to the conversation.  Those of you who have read my previous blogs or ever sat with me for long at all, know this about me.  Maybe to a fault.  It used to be a way of me unloading my own struggles, and at times it still is.  Mostly, it's to let these guys know that we all struggle, we all have dreams, and we all have a story.
The last thing I like to ask, and I don't always expect an answer, but I like to leave them thinking, is "How can God use your story for His glory?"
So, if you ever want to meet up for coffee and talk life, passion, and how to let God use us, let's do it.

Special Calling

In high school, I had a talk with my mom one night about a special needs boy that I knew.  I can remember telling her that I could never imagine being a parent of a special needs kid.  I never thought that I would be able to handle it.  Later in life, I would get married and have two healthy boys.  I was happy where I was.  When my wife brought up the idea of having another child, I thought back to that conversation with my mom.  I had two healthy boys, and I was scared to risk it.  After some time, we decided to have a third, and twenty-four weeks into my wife's pregnancy, one of my fears would become a reality.  My wife gave birth to a 1 pound 6 ounce baby boy, named Caleb.  A boy that would undergo numerous surgeries and would spend the first 6 months of his life in a hospital.  While he was fighting physical battles, I was fighting my own battles.  Part of me was mad at God for giving me something that I never wanted, and part of me blamed myself for "speaking this" into being.  Over the next few years, he would slowly gain strength, and I would slowly accept my new role as a special needs father.

In 2014, my wife would give birth to another boy, named Nathaniel.  Everything seemed great.  Then we got another diagnosis.  My youngest was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum.  I felt numb.  Just when I thought I was getting a grip on having a special needs child, why would God allow another one in my life?  I didn't understand, and I didn't know how I was going to manage being a dad to my four boys and the husband that my wife would need.

Some days were better than others, but there was one night that changed my outlook.  A night where I finally felt like it started to make sense to me.  My wife had called me at work and asked if I wanted to go to Rock City to see the Christmas lights.  For those of you who may not know, Rock City is a tourist attraction on top of Lookout Mountain just south of Chattanooga.  I agreed, because I knew she had really been wanting to, but honestly, I dreaded it.  There are places that my wheelchair bound son can't go, and I had a two year old autistic child to chase around a mountain top covered in Christmas lights, at night, in the dark.  I had already decided before we left that it was going to be another miserable night that I couldn't enjoy like most families, because I was a special needs father.

As we began to drive up the mountain, I felt like God was telling me to go all in that night.  I don't know how to fully explain it, and I honestly don't remember everything that went through my head on that drive up.  I just remember feeling like God was telling me to go all in that night.  As we entered into Rock City, the guide there warned us that our 5 year old wouldn't be able to go all the way down the first trail that we decided to go on.  I decided to give it our best shot.  We squeezed through some tight places and slowly worked our way up some stairs before we finally came to a place that I simply couldn't get through.  I told my wife to take the other three on through, and I would meet them on the other side.  As I left with Caleb, we came to a tunnel of lights, and I could see Caleb looking around, so I grabbed his handles, and we ran as fast as we could through the tunnel.  As the lights zipped past us, both of us broke into laughter.  As we exited the end of the tunnel of lights, we turned and worked our way to an overlook.  From here, you can see seven states during the day, but at night, you get a beautiful view of Chattanooga below.  As we pulled up to the overlook, Caleb pulled himself up and stared out to the city below.  

In that moment, it hit me.  Here I stood at the top of a mountain, and the view was beautiful.  To get there, I had squeezed through some tight areas and slowly worked my way up some stairs.  I felt like that night was a representation of the previous, nearly six years of my life.  The only difference was, this time I was seeing the view as beautiful.  I stood up there and began to cry as I realized that I was missing the beautiful moments, because I was staying focused on the challenges.  

I said earlier that night was the "start" of things making sense.  I still have my days that I struggle, but I often reflect back to that  moment on the mountain, and this year, I was anxious to make that trip back up there.

As I reflect back over the last seven years now, I have learned so much, and my faith has grown tremendously, as I have faced moments that I had to rely on God.  I thought that was His purpose in this, but I believe there was more.  There are things that many of you can apply to your lives, even if you never have a special needs kid.  

1) Enjoy life where you are.  It is so easy to focus on what is going wrong and miss what is going right. 

2) God is our Father.  Like any father, He wants to hear from us.  Some of my greatest healing moments were talking to God when I was the angriest.

3) We don't know what God has in store for us.  We may think we know where life is going, but we are likely wrong.  I never thought I would be a special needs father.  I definitely never thought that God would teach me to love it. You have to continue to push forward and trust.

4) Share your story, no matter how ugly.  I am blown away at how many families I've met with special needs kids.  You never know how many people are struggling and feeling alone with the same struggle you have.  

5) I have come to learn that these special needs kids are actually special forces kids.  They are tough, resilient, and can pull you into their world full of love.