The Hardest to Forgive

This last weekend at our men's retreat, I sat and listened to another man tell me an all too familiar story.  So familiar, that it could have been me telling the story.  It was a story of forgiveness, and sometimes, our inability to do so.  There were two points that I took away from this conversation that I wanted to share with you all, because I'm willing to bet many of you have had the same struggles as well.  

This gentleman told me his story of growing up with some of the same father wounds that many of us struggle with.  The feeling of non-acceptance from his father.  Seeing the characteristics that he didn't like in his father in himself at times.  Those feelings turning to anger that caused hurt in his own wife and children.  When asked if he had forgiven his father, he stated that he sincerely had about 9 months ago.  When I asked if he had forgiven himself, it was easy to see the answer was no.  Even before he answered.  So, I shared my story with him. Because, like I said, our stories were very similar.  

My father left when I was about 10 years old.  We grew further apart through high school.  After graduation, it was 18 years before I would be have any contact with my father.  I had those same feelings of non-acceptance and anger that impacted my family that he spoke of.  

That's when God met me on a mountaintop.  While backpacking with a group of men over a weekend, we were challenged to spread out, and ask a simple question, "God, do You love me?"  I did.  Nothing.  I did a second time,  Nothing.  The third time, my head filled with all the reasons I didn't deserve to be loved.  I was a horrible husband, father, and friend.  I was a fake at church.  I stopped and said it out loud one more time.  This time, I heard God say as plane as day, yet inaudible, "You know I love you.  When will you love yourself?"  I was crippled.  You see the truth was that I also had forgiven my dad.  I really had.  But, I had never forgiven myself.  

What in the world did I need to forgive myself for, right?  He left me.  He never told me he was proud of me or that he loved me.  Why did I need to be forgiven?  What I realized in that moment was that I needed to forgive myself of all the anger and bitterness I was holding in my heart towards my dad.  Until I let that go, I would never move forward with the healing process, and it is truly a process that I'm still working through today.  I learned in that moment that the hardest person to forgive, at least for me, was me.  I had to forgive myself of all the times I had directed my hurt and anger toward my family, or even myself.

As I shared my story with this other gentleman, he realized that is where he was.  He needed to forgive himself.  Before we prayed together, I asked him to say out loud, "I forgive myself.  I love myself", twice. I believe this, like it was for me, will be the beginning of healing for this gentleman, and I'm grateful that myself and another gentleman had the opportunity to speak truth into his life.

My first point is this.  The hardest person to forgive is often ourselves.  We have to realize that our sins are not too big for the cross.  Christ overcame them all when he hung on that cross.  We must simply ask, believe, and receive.  

As we continued to talk, he spoke about how he wanted to live closer to his daughter, so he could see her more.  He also talked about how he needed to get out of his current career situation.  When asked about both moving closer to her and changing careers, he simply said, "I can't".  Neither of those are an option for him at this time.  He began to cry, as he thought about his inability to do either, so I stopped him and asked another question. I asked, "Instead of dwelling on what you can't do, what can you do?"  You see, what he wasn't focusing on was the fact that he could call his daughter, he could write her, he could encourage her, love her, and tell her he is proud of her and loves her.  He can't change careers now, but he could make financial decisions to help move him in a direction to make that a possibility in the future, he could thank God daily for the work he has, and spend the time alone his job affords him to grow closer in his walk with God.  

My second point is that we often get so hung up on our CAN'T, that we often overlook our CANs.  Next time you are stuck in frustration for something you can't do, ask yourself this question, "Instead of dwelling on what I can't do, what CAN I do right now?"  You will likely surprise yourself with all that you are able to do and are overlooking.

My third and final point...I know I said there were two, so this is a bonus point...is that we are never alone in our battles.  Not only is God with us through it all, but He made us for community.  Too many times have I seen men sitting around our retreat and realize for the first time that someone else is going through or has already overcome the very battle they are in.  You must engage in community to allow others to fight with you and for you.  

So, go forgive yourself, focus on your CANs, and build a community of honest, genuine people to fight with you when you need it.  

I know.  This isn't a clear picture, but what it meant to me was perfectly clear.  This picture was taken at 1:00 this morning from my bed.  Let me explain.

We are currently in the middle of a declared pandemic.  No matter what your view is on how things have been handled or how people are responding, we can all agree that our nation, as well as many others, are struggling.  I have had a few conversations with those who's businesses are struggling, or they are simply out of work. 

Last night, I was laying in bed, and I couldn't help but think about all the small businesses that are being impacted, as well as other ministries and churches that are trying to answer questions that are arising during these times.  My heart was heavy with a desire to help and lack of knowledge of where to even begin.  As I laid there, my wife pointed out that my 5 year old's music was still playing in his room, and it needed to be turned off, so it wouldn't wake him during the night. 

As I left his room, I felt strong urge to stop and pray.  As I worked my way back to my room, I stood outside of each of my boys' rooms and prayed for each one.  I prayed for safety, courage, and that God would work in each of their lives.  I then sat in the living room and prayed for my wife and I as we lead our family during these times.  I prayed that God would show me His beauty, even during these tough times. 

This brings us back to the picture.  As I crawled into bed, I looked over at our window, and there was a spider working on a new web.  I laid there and watched this amazing process take place before my eyes, and I was reminded that the God who created the heavens and earth is still doing His work.  This was the beauty I prayed for.  I know, it could easily be dismissed as a coincidence, or me looking for something to see beauty in, and that may be right.  I do believe, however, that when we seek Him, we will find Him. 

As I watched the spider, my mind was taken off of the worries I had and was refocused on the amazement of God, but I still had this desire to help, and I still didn't know where to begin.  Then a thought came to me.  Start in the same way I just started with my family.  In prayer.  I opened up my Facebook account, opened my friends list and started through the list.  As I came across a name of someone who's small business was being impacted or someone who is directly involved in ministry at this time, I stopped and prayed for them by name.  For several of them, I sent them a short message, just to let them know that I was praying for them.  The more I prayed, the better I felt.  By the end of my friends' list, I felt at complete peace. 

Now what?  I don't have the financial means to help everyone impacted by current events, but I do have the ability to do my part in helping.  Today, my son and I are going to mow the yard a single mom, who is going to nursing school, so she doesn't have to pay for lawn care.  There is a small local business asking for small donations to help keep them afloat, so I plan to do my part there as well.  These are small things, but if we all did small things, big things will happen. 

So, maybe like me, you don't know where to start.  I want to tell you to start with prayer.  Pray for others, pray for your family, and pray for your own strength.  Next, if you are able to help a small business financially, pray about that.  If you aren't in a position financially to help, are there neighbors that simply need some love right now?