This last weekend at our men's retreat, I sat and listened to another man tell me an all too familiar story. So familiar, that it could have been me telling the story. It was a story of forgiveness, and sometimes, our inability to do so. There were two points that I took away from this conversation that I wanted to share with you all, because I'm willing to bet many of you have had the same struggles as well.
This gentleman told me his story of growing up with some of the same father wounds that many of us struggle with. The feeling of non-acceptance from his father. Seeing the characteristics that he didn't like in his father in himself at times. Those feelings turning to anger that caused hurt in his own wife and children. When asked if he had forgiven his father, he stated that he sincerely had about 9 months ago. When I asked if he had forgiven himself, it was easy to see the answer was no. Even before he answered. So, I shared my story with him. Because, like I said, our stories were very similar.
My father left when I was about 10 years old. We grew further apart through high school. After graduation, it was 18 years before I would be have any contact with my father. I had those same feelings of non-acceptance and anger that impacted my family that he spoke of.
That's when God met me on a mountaintop. While backpacking with a group of men over a weekend, we were challenged to spread out, and ask a simple question, "God, do You love me?" I did. Nothing. I did a second time, Nothing. The third time, my head filled with all the reasons I didn't deserve to be loved. I was a horrible husband, father, and friend. I was a fake at church. I stopped and said it out loud one more time. This time, I heard God say as plane as day, yet inaudible, "You know I love you. When will you love yourself?" I was crippled. You see the truth was that I also had forgiven my dad. I really had. But, I had never forgiven myself.
What in the world did I need to forgive myself for, right? He left me. He never told me he was proud of me or that he loved me. Why did I need to be forgiven? What I realized in that moment was that I needed to forgive myself of all the anger and bitterness I was holding in my heart towards my dad. Until I let that go, I would never move forward with the healing process, and it is truly a process that I'm still working through today. I learned in that moment that the hardest person to forgive, at least for me, was me. I had to forgive myself of all the times I had directed my hurt and anger toward my family, or even myself.
As I shared my story with this other gentleman, he realized that is where he was. He needed to forgive himself. Before we prayed together, I asked him to say out loud, "I forgive myself. I love myself", twice. I believe this, like it was for me, will be the beginning of healing for this gentleman, and I'm grateful that myself and another gentleman had the opportunity to speak truth into his life.
My first point is this. The hardest person to forgive is often ourselves. We have to realize that our sins are not too big for the cross. Christ overcame them all when he hung on that cross. We must simply ask, believe, and receive.
As we continued to talk, he spoke about how he wanted to live closer to his daughter, so he could see her more. He also talked about how he needed to get out of his current career situation. When asked about both moving closer to her and changing careers, he simply said, "I can't". Neither of those are an option for him at this time. He began to cry, as he thought about his inability to do either, so I stopped him and asked another question. I asked, "Instead of dwelling on what you can't do, what can you do?" You see, what he wasn't focusing on was the fact that he could call his daughter, he could write her, he could encourage her, love her, and tell her he is proud of her and loves her. He can't change careers now, but he could make financial decisions to help move him in a direction to make that a possibility in the future, he could thank God daily for the work he has, and spend the time alone his job affords him to grow closer in his walk with God.
My second point is that we often get so hung up on our CAN'T, that we often overlook our CANs. Next time you are stuck in frustration for something you can't do, ask yourself this question, "Instead of dwelling on what I can't do, what CAN I do right now?" You will likely surprise yourself with all that you are able to do and are overlooking.
My third and final point...I know I said there were two, so this is a bonus point...is that we are never alone in our battles. Not only is God with us through it all, but He made us for community. Too many times have I seen men sitting around our retreat and realize for the first time that someone else is going through or has already overcome the very battle they are in. You must engage in community to allow others to fight with you and for you.
So, go forgive yourself, focus on your CANs, and build a community of honest, genuine people to fight with you when you need it.
